After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
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You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
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