she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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