Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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