i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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