The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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