perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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