this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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