How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
