Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
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I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
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We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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