How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
