hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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