I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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