I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
