I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
