Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I need water and some morals
Randomize
