Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
