god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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