I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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