I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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