i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
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Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
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I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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