recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Life is so much better after having sex.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
