you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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