Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
