My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
