Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I touched a dick in church today
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
