I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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