My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
