ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
