I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
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As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
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While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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