my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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