I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
