I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
