I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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