quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
