i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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