I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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