Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
