i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
