i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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