as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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