...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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