Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
