i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
