I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
