The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
We are all done wearing pants today
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
