I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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