And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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