There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
