so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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