He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
