I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
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It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
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So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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