Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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