I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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