I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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