i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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