I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Randomize
