Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
