Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
