I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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