dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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