I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Someone came in the potted fern
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
